Your name for the last time...

I have been contemplating revisiting this neglected space of the internet for some time, and with the year drawing to a close, I thought it would be a good chance to get back into it and start the new year with a few posts under my belt.

I fear this is not the happiest of posts, it is about loss. This year has been a difficult year for my loved ones with loss playing an unexpected major role since the summer, and whilst I was not in the immediate circle of those effected, I haven't quite been the same since.

Today the weight of sadness became heavier with the news of another loss close to me and it emphasized the absolute misery that exists in the world. It is so easy to neglect the privileges you have when you seem untouchable from trauma, and that is too true of me. However, as soon as something tragic happens close to home, it is ever too evident that you are not the invisible human you believed yourself to be and that freak accidents and illness can strike any person.

I don't really want to divulge any details with these scattered thoughts and I know this is a ramble, but whenever I am overcome with emotion I feel the need to write.

I am 22 and have found over the last few years that I have gotten to know myself extremely well, I have become to understand the intricacies of my personality, know what makes me happy/angry/sad, am aware of my strengths and weaknesses and have learnt what I value most in others and in the world.

Recently, I have realised one of my major weaknesses is the notion of letting go, whether it be as fickle as throwing away make up that I no longer use, getting rid of momentos, or in the greater sense - still thinking about lost friendships after years have passed, and on topic - not getting over the loss of loved ones.

It may sound as though I am being hard on myself for not getting over the loss of loved ones, yet this summer I was not in the immediate circle of people struck by this loss, yet I still find myself thinking about it and feeling sad not only for myself but mainly for the other people who are effected by this truly tragic thing and how easily it could have been someone in my family in that place instead.

This isn't intended to be a depressing note but it is more an acknowledgement of the two people that have passed away this year that were dear to me. I want to finish with a quote by Banksy that I told my dad this summer...

"they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing

 and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your 

name for the last time."


Beebie Joe